Assessment Revelation

Top of the morning to you!

And if it isn't morning where you are, then top of the day to you. I hope everyone has had a lovely week so far and that the rest of their week carries on to be just as pleasant. As I have reminded you, I'm going to have to be a lot more flexible with my updates because this school work (even after two days!) has already got me a little worked up. You should be able to expect at least 1 blog post every week but you cannot hold it against me if I don't. Surely you can cut a student some slack - I mean, we've mostly all been there, right?

Also as previously mentioned, I'm still trying to get back all the images that I lost from my memory card. I had so much content from there - stuff to share with you guys and even personal photos. I would be so sad if I couldn't retrieve all of it, although even retrieving some would be a short lived relief. My memory card is still not been accepted by my camera, and my Mac is not recognising it (I like to store all my images, music and media stuff on my Mac) so it's still a work in progress.

In addition, the major post I have been slowly trying to complete is still a work in progress. I'm so excited to share it with you - also because I just love to focus of it. If you guys like fashion personalities, you're going to LOVE it! Keep in mind, as my first (kind of) major project I've been working on, I don't want to give your hopes a boost only to disappoint you. Of course I want you to look forward to it, I just don't want you to be disappointed by the end of it.

As you all know, mainly because you worked through it with me, I had some pretty major assessments towards the end of last month. They took a lot of effort and they were just, honestly, exhausting. I think this might be due to the competition and stress I forced onto myself. Although, in the long run, maybe some stress would be the motivation necessary to put in the best work and effort that I could potentially ever put in. I had to keep constantly reminding myself that these tests were virtually a 'trial run', and that even if I were to get disappointed by the outcome, they barely counted towards anything. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately as well, it was good for me not to raise my hopes up for great marks.

In my some of my subjects, I did mediocre in. In saying this, I did put in an effort, but this effort could have been improved and my outcome could have been much better. I know I could've achieved better if I really committed myself. These include Maths, Biology and Extension English (although for Extension, we haven't been given our results back, I just have a gut feeling). There were some results that were just disappointing, which was really exhausting to actually realise because I had put time in, I just hadn't put time in efficiently (such an important tool to learn!) and I hadn't done as well as my peers. These include Legal Studies and Modern History (where we were learning the American Civil War - something I found interesting so I have no excuse). As Humanities are quite possibly my favourite subjects to learn about and do exams about, the fact that my lowest grades were in these subjects is such a major blow! I love learning about both these subjects, I just didn't put the time in, and even as no excuse, I screwed over in the actual physical exam. Of course, I'm seeing it as 'the only way is up' and trying to improve, but it was such a major draw back to realise that I wasn't seeing what I had hoped for. My English mark hasn't been handed back yet and I don't know what to make of it (as there was a hand in and physical written examination so it's hard judgement) but my Food Technology (no, it's not just eating - there's a lot of dense content to cover) mark was the only one I was actually happy with. This revelation saddened me a little.

I'm not a naturally competitive person, but a few of my close friends are. They set up challenges with each other to motivate themselves to do well and aim to beat one another (not physically, of course, just in terms of test marks). This wouldn't work for me. I would probably eventually get too stressed out about the competition; focus more on trying (and probably failing) to win, rather than absorbing my material to regurgitate when needed in the test; and get even more disappointed when I come last at even that. I have surrounded myself with very intelligent people so not getting the desired mark not only disappoints me, but it makes me feel like I am not really... meeting the standard of my friends wither. I'm obviously not blaming my friends, I get an overwhelming sense of pride when they get an outstanding mark in an exam, and I get happy when they're happy with their exams but it's always like I'm going to falling one step short. I'm trying to catch up though.

I think that's my motivation. To prove to myself that I am enough. Being not enough literally tears me apart and my conscious efforts to impress people would probably not be considered healthy. However, this is what motivates me always to try harder, and push that little bit extra to get there. I'm going to try to push that little bit extra to get there for me now. I want to be able to say, you know what, I was worth that. I can do it.

Much love,

Duchess